I wanted one final song with which wrap up the Squeeze the Day album, and thought that maybe I’d just vent a little bit about the development of texting rules where every phrase has to end with an exclamation point! If that mark doesn’t appear, then people treat your expressions of happiness as if you intend to convey disappointment, or even anger!

And often a single bang is insufficient! If you don’t use at least three, then you’re not excited enough!!!

But if you ever feel like using precisely two, let me warn you that you will be treated with disgust!!

(There are similar rules about such behavior as having to use ‘KK’ instead of “Ok’ or ‘K’, where the latter is now held to communicate a lack of cheerful enthusiasm! Even the use of the thumbs up emoji is held in contempt! But the poop emoji is the height of fashion!!!)

So…

When I was working on the lyrics, the phrase “exclamation point” wasn’t acting particularly lyrical! I remembered that it was called by other names in the history of printing, so I decided to refresh my memory! I already knew about ‘screamer’, had forgotten about ‘gasper’, and experienced a bracing wave of inspiration wash over me when I found out about ‘dog’s cock’!!!

At that point, these lyrics were begging to be written for this album!!!

For the coda, I knew that I’d need to look into alternate names for the question mark! That’s when I came across ‘eroteme’!!!

So here we go!!!

(I really wanted a brogue in the singing voice, but couldn’t make it happen.)

Lyrics

Way back in the nineteen hundreds,

    an exclamation was a rare punchline.

The rule was one bang per fifty thousand words,

    or three to shout WAR in a headline.

But even then...

Two bang points was just plain weird!

Say it however you feel like,

    "exclamation point" sounds kinda lame.

Five syllables is lots to repeat every time,

    so printers use more colorful names.

Like gimme a ‘startler’,

    which seems old-timey,

Or gimme a ‘screamer’,

    which looks all hype-y,

Or gimme a ‘gasper’,

    which sounds gorblimey,

Or gimme a ‘dog's cock’,

    which feels so slimy.

I'll text, "K K" with no dog's cock, and

I'll text, "Hello!" with one dog's cock, and

I'll text, "Awesome!!!" with three dogs' cocks, but

I'll text, nothing with two dogs' cocks, cuz...

Two dogs’ cocks is just plain weird!

Just ask Santa!

These days your texts seem cold and distant,

    if you're stingy with your punctuation.

Your style is "cringe" and gives teens the "ick,"

    without dog cocks for each declaration.

Like gimme a ‘startler’,

    which seems old-timey,

Or gimme a ‘screamer’,

    which looks all hype-y,

Or gimme a ‘gasper’,

    which sounds gorblimey,

Or gimme a ‘dog's cock’,

    which feels so slimy.

Two dogs’ cocks is just plain weird!

Just ask a youth pastor!

The more things change, like...

    Fashion

    Manners

    Grammar

The more they stay the same, like...

    Death

    Taxes, and the fact that...

Two dogs’ cocks is just plain weird!

Just ask a scout master!

And what about the curved eroteme?

That question mark has its own mystique.

But one thing’s sure through all of time...

Two dogs’ cocks is just plain weird!

Just ask yo Papa!